A few years back, I was invited to participate in an old friends wedding. Let’s call him “Don”. Frankly, I was surprised when Don asked me to be in his wedding. One of the reasons I was surprised to be invited, let alone in this wedding, was that all these people were very religious. I had grown up in a very conservative christian household and was one of the few of my friends who wasn’t walking “the path of righteousness” anymore. Even though this usually is a recipe for boredom, I do love weddings and I knew I wouldn’t be the only “bad seed” there.
You heard me correctly. I love weddings or better yet, I love being in weddings. Free food, free booze, emotionally desperate women, dancing, and all with me in a tux. If that’s not a recipe for fun, I don’t know what is.
A couple of friends and I decided to share a hotel and drive down to the middle-of-nowhere Oregon together. My friends were not really the kind of guys I could count on as wingmen. Both were from my former church and not the partying type. One was in a relationship and the other was just plain annoying. Needless to say, I ditched them once I could tell they were indisposed.
The pickings were slim at this wedding. Let me rephrase that. The pickings were fat and loud at this wedding. Very few women there couldn’t talk (or yell) without a mouth full of food. It’s like every one of them was a clone of Rosanne. The only girl who was marginally attractive was the bridesmaid I was going to be walking with. She was a slightly gothic looking mexican girl with a very generous bust size and an hourglass figure. She wasn’t exactly the prize chicken, but she was the pick of THIS litter and I had a mission to complete.
During the course of the evening, I discovered that she had recently been broken up with (excellent), she was hurt by her ex (even better), and she didn’t want to be in a relationship (DING, DING, DING, DING). After the wedding there was small after party in the guest house on the property, so the wedding party went there to mingle and get boozed. Goth Girl didn’t want to drive home so I invited her to crash at our hotel room. Upon arrival we found that not only were my travel companions already there in bed, another friend of ours was sleeping… in… my… bed.
Not being a stranger to this situation, I told her that they were all drunk and passed out so they wouldn’t bother us. I didn’t know this 100%, but I knew that these good little boys would sleep thru whatever noise was going on next to them. They would literally lie there quietly while sloppy sinning took place 6 inches from their faces.
Once we hit she sheets, making out commenced. The thing though about kissing is that no two people kiss 100% the same. Not in my experience that is. Both people shouldn’t start out using all their tricks either. Kissing is like Fencing. You swish your tongue to the left and then they counter tongue flick. You bite a lip and see if they respond favorably. This girl didn’t know these rules.
Right off the bat she bit into my lip like she was tearing off a piece of jerky. I winced little, but bit back. We are playing a game here after all and I like to win. She immediately followed up that bite with another bite on my upper lip this time much harder. It… was… on. I got her almost down to her underwear, but she didn’t want to go further because we did have company a few inches away from us. So, she compromised by getting on top of me and doing some good old fashion dry humping. Now if I had known what was going to happen next, I would have been the one on top, which is my favorite place anyways. I was enjoying the view when she held my arms down and the lurched towards my neck with her mouth wide open.
Like most awesome people, you probably watch Shark Week and are familiar with the image of a shark lunging towards its prey with its gaping maw ready to kill. This was the image I had as Goth Girl laid into my neck. Not only did she bite, she didn’t let go. I could feel her trying to suck on my neck for second. She bit me again… and again… and again. She started licking my neck every so often. Unfortunately for me, I am a competitive lover. I like aggressiveness and I like a girl who believes she is in charge). So I flipped her on her back and tried to do the same to her. This girl was an animal… and I needed to tame her.
I woke up in the morning and stumbled into the bathroom. Half awake and still a little drunk, my eyes began to clear slowly as I stared at myself in the mirror. Normally, I give myself a “you are the man” kind of speech. Not today. Today, I looked at myself with sheer horror. On both sides of my neck were deep black mouth shaped bruises crusted with dried blood. I walked out back into the room and saw that there was blood on my pillow as well. Goth Girl was just getting dressed when I asked her to come into the bathroom.
Me: “I was going to ask you if you wanted breakfast, but I am pretty sure you already ate.”
GG: “Oh my god, I am so sorry! I didn’t think I was biting you that hard!”
Me: “Usually when blood comes out, you know you might have dug a little deep.”
GG: “I though you were into it.”
Me: “Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun. I just need to know if you were actually trying to suck my blood and if you have any diseases I should know about.”
GG: “Asshole! I don’t have any diseases.”
Me: “You didn’t answer my first question.”
GG: “I thought when you told me that vampire chicks are hot, I though it was ok.”
The night before at the after party, we had a conversation about which vampire movies are worth watching. I mentioned that the Underworld series was awesome because Kate Beckinsale is super hot and I would let her suck my blood any day.
Me: “That wasn’t a free pass to suck my blood.”
GG: “I’m really sorry. If it means anything to you, your blood tasted good.”
Me: “Uh… hmmm… really? That’s creepy… and kind of hot… but creepy.”
GG: “Yeah.”
Me: “Yeah. Well…. my friends are waking up. You should probably go now.”
GG: “I left my number on the nightstand.”
Me: “Good. I might need to call you in case I turn and have to kill the original so I can get my soul back.”
GG: “Very funny.
With that, she picked up her stuff and left. I never called her, but I always thought about calling her and saying I went to the doctor now have some crazy rabies virus because of her. My friends claimed that they didn’t hear or see anything, but I knew they would say that. Denial is the simplest form of defense. It’s cute really.
Next Time: The Camping Trip.
